


Insomnia

by Rellanka



Category: X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Telepathic Intimacy, reference to domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 13:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1690808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rellanka/pseuds/Rellanka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charles had never made that confession to anyone before. People already regarded his telepathy with distaste and suspicion; if he was lucky, they were willing to trust him to use it only when necessary. He had never let anyone else know how invasive their own mind was.</p><p>Or: Charles's telepathy is more difficult to deal with than you think. He just wants to sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for references to domestic violence (not done by/to Charles or Logan), so if you are easily triggered, you might want to tread carefully. Also, this was a fill for this kink meme prompt: (http://xmen-firstkink.livejournal.com/11912.html?thread=22757768#t22757768) that I impulsively decided to unanon from. Thanks for giving this fic a chance, I hope you enjoy!

Charles pushed himself up and resettled himself lying on his other side for the third time in the past ten minutes. He winced as he heard the body beside him stir. He had been trying his best not to wake the other man, but it would appear that his attempts were futile. A bitter voice in the back of his mind whispered that wasn’t that how all his attempts to help others go? He resolutely smooshed that voice back down with experience born from long practice. He could no longer afford to be that selfish, self pitying man that he had allowed himself to turn into. People counted on him again, and Charles had promised himself that he wouldn’t let them down this time. To Charles, who had had so many promises broken to him as a child, a promise was something sacred that should never be broken.

“Hey. You all right?” The rough, husky voice sounded from his side as the man beside him raised himself onto his elbow and faced Charles.

Charles smiled, and hoped that it came out only partially as pained as he felt. He wondered, not for the first time, if sleeping with Logan was a mistake. Not when it came to Charles’s own pleasure or happiness, no, Logan was a very generous lover; but when it came to the moral repercussions of what he was doing. He had been so amazingly glad when it turned out that Logan’s future self had become stuck in the past. Or so ashamedly glad. 

Luckily it had been after Logan had had a chance to revisit the future, another complication born from Ms. Pride sending Logan back so much further than she had before. Charles knew that it probably suggested several uncomplimentary things to him that his first reaction after discovering this had been overwhelming relief. Hank was currently working on a way to send Logan’s mind back to the future, and Charles? Charles was hoping that he wouldn’t succeed.

He wondered if this was just another example of him becoming overly dependent on someone who shouldn’t have to put up with his mess. But Logan had become ridiculously important to Charles in a short period of time. He had managed to restore Charles’s hope for the future when Charles had thought that all hope was gone. When Charles had wanted nothing more than to die, Logan had made him live again. When Charles had no more faith in himself, Logan had appeared with so much faith in him it made Charles alternatively terrified and willing to try. Yes, Charles knew that part of what drew him to Logan so strongly was the fact that Charles was latching onto that.

But there was more to it; an honest connection that occurs when two people meet if they are extremely compatible with each other, romantically or merely platonically. Charles had felt such a connection with Raven, with Erik. A connection so deep that he knew no matter what happened he would always be connected to them. The connection he had with Hank was now that deep, but that was after a decade of living with each other and growing close enough to share everything with one another. What he had with Logan was something Charles had never expected to experience again, especially with the way he had secluded himself from the world. 

In Logan, Charles had met someone he genuinely liked and respected, someone he was quickly growing feelings not just because of the dependence he had on- him but also because of who Logan was. Logan was an amazing man who had suffered horrifically but had come through his suffering a stronger person, outwardly aggressive but inwardly one of the most loyal and caring men that Charles had ever met. Even if Logan hadn’t had faith in him, Charles knew that he would feel blessed to have the other man in his life. 

“Hey.” Logan said again in concern, reaching a hand over to touch Charles’s face gently when he hadn’t replied.

It was enough to shock him out of his introspection; and enough to make the shield that he’d been keeping a tenuous hold on- the shield that he’d been keeping up all night with varying success- falter. Logan loomed like a monster before him, and as fear overwhelmed him Charles pushed himself as far back as quickly as he could, so violently that he managed to throw himself off the bed. He landed awkwardly, but even though his unmovable legs were more of a hindrance than a help Charles managed to use his arms to drag himself quickly to the wall before pushing himself to turn to face the monster with his lovers face. 

He had to get away. Billie was really bad this time, worse than he’d ever seen him before. If he could just get to the door without Billie stopping him he could get to his brother’s house; he knew that Ryan wouldn’t mind taking him in, and Billie had never dared to approach him when he was with his brother before. He just had to get to the door…

Logan had by then also left the bed, hovering a little before Charles’s spot on the floor, clearly wanting to reach out but uncertain as to whether his touch would do more harm than good. While looking up at Logan’s worried, caring face Charles’s mind finally recognized that his fear wasn’t his own but Ellie Jaskob’s, a woman several miles away who was currently trying to get away from her abusive partner. Because she had been the closest and had a naturally loud mental projection, she had been the one to affect him most strongly, but beyond her there were more voices, more pain threatening to drown him underneath the waves. 

Charles ached with the inability to help her, to help them. Yes, while he could possibly search out Ellie’s partner’s mind in all the other voices, what then would he do? Invade that mind, change Ellie’s lover so that he would never desire to hurt another person again? Or maybe Charles would punish him, make him into a vegetable so that he would never be **able** to hurt another person again. 

But he could make Ellie safe again, even if it would come at the cost of another person’s self identity. And then what about all the others? Ellie had been the loudest, but she certainly hadn’t been the only one suffering. Hundreds, perhaps even thousands of voices pushed against Charles’s mind, all screaming of pain and fear and loss. 

Should Charles make himself into a benevolent God and fix all their problems? Should he go throughout the city, invading and changing the minds of everyone who even thought of hurting another person? Should he make people kinder, more likely to help each other, his ideal of how they should be? When would it stop? Would Charles be able to stop himself after he had ‘fixed’ the population of the city, or would he then turn his attention to the world? Would he only make them more kind, or would he begin making them more pleasing to himself, taking away everything that made them individuals and instead making them into whoever he wanted them to be?

Charles knew the answer to those questions. It was a spiral, a seductive, tempting spiral that Charles could not let himself begin. If he took even one step on that path, it would be all too easy to start making justification for taking further steps. Some people would suggest that he was wrong not to act, wrong not to help if he was capable of helping. But Charles had to consider the repercussions of his actions not only to himself but to everyone else. 

Charles’s telepathy was like a muscle- the more he used the muscle, the stronger it got. It wasn’t arrogance to think that he could grow powerful enough to control everyone around him; it was simple fact. Charles’s greatest fear was that he would one day not have enough morals to stop himself from becoming a true monster. Much as Charles wished otherwise, he could not save the world without facing consequences for his actions. He could not save the world without becoming something it needed to be saved from.

“I’m sorry. Even before I started taking the serum my shielding was beginning to suffer. I’ll go sleep in the guest room.” Charles began pushing himself up from the wall, dreading the trek to the chair that at that moment looked a little like a 500k run, filled with obstacles. Logan followed his eye sight before walking over the chair and bringing it closer, watching him carefully as he did for any sign that Charles didn’t wish for him to approach. After Logan had finished fixing the chair’s breaks so that they were locked, he stepped back to clear a path between Charles and the chair, and the chair to the door before bringing his eyes back to Charles’s. 

“If anyone should go to the guest room it should be me. I don’t want to kick you from your own room, Charles, but I’ll help you do whatever you want to if you feel comfortable with me helping out. But-“ Logan cut off what he had been about to say, staring down at his hands before forcibly relaxing them from their clenched state with a wince, “I don’t know what the hell scared you like that, but whatever it was, it wasn’t pretty. You want to talk about it, I’m here.”

“People think that telepathy,” Charles began, a little surprised himself as the words tore themselves from his throat, “people think that telepathy is me reaching out and invading their mind, a purposeful action on my part to discover their secrets. In certain cases they’re right, but most of the time they’re wrong. My ability usually isn’t me reaching out to hear other people’s minds, Logan, but everyone else pushing their thoughts, their feelings into my head. It’s a little like being in a crowded room, only everyone is shouting and they all consider you actually hearing them as immoral. But no matter how hard you try not to listen, you can’t help but hear them. So you try to block them out, try to fix ear plugs into your ears so that you won’t have to hear them. But sometimes those earplugs don’t work, because the person next to you is shouting in your ear and you can’t help but hear what they are saying.” 

Charles had never made that confession to anyone before. People already regarded his telepathy with distaste and suspicion; if he was lucky, they were willing to trust him to use it only when necessary. He had never let anyone else know how invasive their own mind was. He knew that if he did, they would only grow more uncomfortable and unlikely to trust that he wasn’t trying to listen to their innermost thoughts. 

What was it about Logan that made Charles so willing to share things that he had never shared with anyone before?

At some point, Logan had crouched down on his heels, and he now frowned down at his knees thoughtfully. “If you had someone you could listen to- one voice that was louder than the rest of the crowd because they didn’t mind you listening- would that help?”

Charles barely managed to keep his mouth from falling open. He regarded Logan in pure disbelief, his brow furrowed and eyes squinted as he stared at the strange creature before him, “Logan, what exactly are you trying to say?”

Logan pushed himself up with a huff, standing and affecting an air of nonchalance in what was obviously a long standing subconscious defense. “I’m saying that if anchoring yourself to my mind will help, I’m willing to try if you are. My mind ain’t pretty, but I figure it’s got to at least be a little better than hearing a bunch of strangers shouting.”

“Your mind is beautiful.” Charles blurted out before he could stop himself. And it was. Logan felt things so brightly, so strongly. It was like looking through a particularly beautiful and detailed stained glass window. Or through a kaleidoscope, awed and amazed by the different colors and shapes he experienced. Logan’s mind had a steadfastness, an unchangeable strength that served as counterpoint to the feral instincts that existed within him. Charles could get lost in the beauty of Logan’s mind. He didn’t dare to believe that Logan was offering to let him do exactly that. 

Logan snorts, looking a mixture of flattered, embarrassed by the compliment, and wryly dismissive of it. “I sure as hell wouldn’t call my mind any kind of beautiful, but I figure it’ll do in a pinch since it’s the best I’ve got.” He looked a little uncertain, but Charles could feel his determination, his caring, his honest desire to help Charles however he could. “We doing this?”

Charles turned his own eyes to his lap and honestly considered whether or not he was really going to go through with it. But then he knew the answer to that question as well. Of course he was going to go through with it; what Logan was offering was something no one had ever offered Charles before. A chance at peace. Charles would have to be more selfless, less hurting, to even begin to think of turning it down. But…

“Are you sure that you know what you’re offering, Logan? If I use your mind as an anchor, I’m going to see more than your surface thoughts. I’m going to see everything. Go as deep as I did when I first entered your mind when trying to reach my future self. See your every thought. Are you really willing to let me do this?”

“Well, I’ll try to keep my thoughts PG, then.” He grinned, deflecting with sex as was a habit for him when things got complicated, before quickly sobering and regarding him with a serious look on his face. “I wouldn’t have made the offer if I didn’t mean it, and I figured it would be something like that. Look, if something in my mind is gonna hurt you we shouldn’t do it- that’s the last thing I’m trying for here. But if anchoring yourself to my mind is gonna help, I think we should. You’ve already seen everything in my mind. I’ve got nothing to hide.” 

Not for the first time, Charles tried to stop himself from going from merely having feelings for Logan to being in love with him. He was beginning to think it was a doomed effort. Every minute Charles spent with Logan, every moment only made Charles’s feelings grow stronger. Even despite the complicated situation that made up their relationship, being with Logan brought Charles genuine happiness for the first time in too long. Somewhere inside himself, he acknowledged that there was no real possibility that he wasn’t going to fall in love with Logan. Even despite the pain doing such a thing might bring him when Logan inevitably returned to the future. 

“I- if you’re willing than I- Thank you. I’ll take your offer. I can’t- I can’t begin to express how much it means to me. But first-“ Charles looked up at Logan with a self-conscious smile, embarrassed to have thrown himself onto the floor to now need help off of it. “Could you help me onto the bed beside the phone? I have a call I need to make.”

After making an anonymous call to the police giving them the location of Ellie Jaskob’s house and stating that he had heard loud fighting coming from it, Charles put the phone down and rested his hand on top of it for a moment. He was afraid it wasn’t enough, and he knew he couldn’t send the police after every person causing someone else pain in the city without also ensuring that the police to disregard his calls entirely. There were simply too many, far more than any police department would ever really be able to handle. But maybe doing this, maybe trying to get this one person help would be enough for the night. It would have to be. 

He took a deep breath and turned to face Logan, who had lain back down on the bed while Charles spoke to the police. 

“So,” Logan began, reaching over to offer his hand to Charles, “How are we going to do this?” 

Charles took Logan’s hand and squeezed it, unspeakably thankful for the gesture of simple comfort. 

“Just relax. Try to keep your mind as calm as possible. You might be able to feel me enter your mind, but it shouldn’t cause you any discomfort. If it does, I should know, and I’ll exit your mind as gently as I can. Logan, it’s important that you can kick me out any time you want to and I’ll get out. Just think that you don’t want me in your head anymore and I’ll leave it, I promise.”

Logan smiled and brought their joined hands up to his mouth where he kissed the back of Charles’s hand. “Don’t worry about me, I heal from anything, remember? The only reason I’d want you to get out of my head is if **I** hurt **you**. I’m an open door, Charles. C’mon in.” 

Charles released his breath shakily, before squeezing Logan’s hand tighter and gently, tentatively reaching out for Logan with his telepathy. The warmth/comfort/caring/concern he felt at the surface of Logan’s thoughts sent a warm burst through Charles’s psyche, and he found himself diving deeper into Logan’s mind more quickly than he had planned. The hidden part of him, the part that was hurt and bleeding and broken, completely enveloped itself in Logan’s mind, so desperately glad for sanctuary after years of solitary suffering. He could see Logan, see every part of Logan, every single aspect that made up the man before him. More than that, he could feel as Logan’s mind focused on him, feel the fierce desire for Charles to be safe, the absolute need that Charles be happy. He could feel everything Logan felt for him, even- 

Charles nearly jerked himself out of Logan’s head in shock. Of course. Charles had been thinking about how Logan felt things more fiercely than the average person, but even he hadn’t realized what that really meant. Hadn’t realized that Logan wouldn’t have made the offer he did to Charles if the man hadn’t been in love with him. The friendship, caring and admiration Logan had felt for his older self had shifted into something different, something even stronger after they had began their relationship.

The more aware part of Logan drew back in embarrassment, his physical body tensing beside him. Excuses and deflections were beginning to be formed, slightly dulling the beauty of Logan’s mind with doubt and self flagellation. Charles reached out frantically to stop Logan, sending him Charles’s own feelings. His acceptance, his amazement, his wonder. The amount that Charles cared for him, how glad he was that Logan felt that way, how every day he spent with Logan drew him closer and closer to loving Logan. Charles didn’t have decades of friendship to build the kind of love that Logan felt already, but that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t love Logan every bit as much as Logan loved him.

Logan’s mind and body both relaxed, joy filling Logan’s mind as wonder/hope/gladness replaced darker emotions. With nothing more to hide, Logan’s mind wrapped itself around him as Logan’s body embraced his own. Love, glad at no longer having to be hidden, wrapped itself around Charles’s mind in joyful welcome. It was like he was wrapped in a warm cocoon, affection and warmth and love keeping him safe and comfortable as Logan’s mind stood as both shield and guard against the voices that had threatened to drag Charles into dark places. Charles felt safe, and treasured, and overwhelmingly loved. As exhaustion began to draw Charles into sleep, he mustered the strength to send Logan one last burst of appreciation/affection/joy.

Then for the first time in a long time, Charles was able to sleep peacefully through the night. 

End

**Author's Note:**

> I fixed the tag and warning. I'm so sorry, I really hope I didn't trigger anyone. This is what happens when I post late at night and 'domestic violence' and 'abuse' keep getting combined in my head.


End file.
